Second Lament
Где-то дом, напрокат там есть лица
Но в глазах не включается свет
Только стрелки часов, как ресницы
Каждый миг вытирают твой след.
И везде зеркала, кинешь взор в них -
Видишь кадры чужого кино
И друзья говорят, как актеры,
Что забыли все роли давно.
А под домом река ловит в невод
Лунный свет, по пути в океан
И глухим остается к сиренам,
И немым, корабля капитан.
И в полуночи в доме мне снится
Как ты плачешь, забрав меня в плен
И хранит стыд мой спальня-темница,
И любовь заперта между стен.
Я прикован упрямою клятвой,
Тщетно все, и не выйти теперь.
Стань как нож, будь палач мой заклятый
Лишь вернись, -и откроется дверь.
**** This is my upteenth take on a poem by
( the original can be found here.)**I spent hours upon hours on this somehow, trying to do my best, to catch this, to capture that-and I can’t still.
But yesterday I caught something else, something incredibly important, the “why” of me not liking my work yet. Now I don’t know what to do, in case something can be done.
So I wonder, dear readers-when you read this-whether you see this “why”? I’d really love to hear your thoughts, suggestions, maybe your own takes?
It would take me a second to point out to you the main problem with my translation -strangely, I’m quite proud of putting my finger on it, so to say. I just really would love to see what you think, first.
I’ll tag several people, who might be more interested, including Paul, of course.
As always, please be respectful to the original poem -especially as all the faults are mine, and mine only, in an attempt to translate. Thank you again, Paul, for bearing with me.
, , , , . , , I’m sure there are others, -all your opinions is highly valued, and welcomed.And if you read it as a separate poem-thank you for reading (and commenting, if you feel like it) 🤍
***To the readers, who might be interested in my previous translations of Paul’s poems,- here are some links to the ones I feel comfortable sharing :
I was caught by your why question. We can be our hardest critic sometimes. I hope you have that in mind. It's a very broad comment to say you don't like any of your work yet. The yet holds a lot of power and hope. I'm sure there are elements of your work that may or may not need improvement. But remember at the time of you writing it, you did the best you could. Ten years on, you're a little different and would have done it differently. Be gentle to you and the work you do.
Read it as a standalone piece and greatly enjoyed it! Then read the original and appreciated both works 🫡